Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Sat Feb 22, 2014 11:43 am

Quatermass wrote:
What did the elephant do when it sat on Planck's constant?
It broke the h-bar!



h-bar (or h-cross) is written as a lower case h with a line through the upright. Its value is h/2pi (where h is Planck's constant) It has its uses...

:geek:
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Sat Feb 22, 2014 11:45 am

To avoid being socially isolated at parties, a physicist will answer the question "so, what do you do?" with: "I'm a tax inspector"
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Re: Jokes

Postby meerkat » Thu Feb 27, 2014 9:59 am

I was in the six item 'express' lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

------------------------------------------------------

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

God replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

God replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

God replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

-------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want
my advice?"

The man said, "Yes"

and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Feb 27, 2014 12:44 pm

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Feb 27, 2014 1:14 pm

:lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Feb 27, 2014 2:42 pm

A farmer buys a new cockerel to replace the elderly bird that’s been ruling the roost in the hen house. The new bird struts up to the old cockerel and tells him to pack his bags. ‘Give me a chance,’ says the old bird. ‘Tell you what, let’s have a race and if I lose I’ll go without any trouble. All I ask is a five-foot start to make up for my bad knee.’ The young cockerel agrees and they both dash round the farmyard, with the old cock in front by a nose. The farmer sees this, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the young bird dead. ‘Damn it!’ he shouts.‘That’s the third gay cockerel I’ve been sold this month.’

A woman buys a beautiful parrot, but the only phrase it knows is ‘Who is it?’ She takes the parrot home but soon realises that the bird’s colour clashes with her living-room decor so she calls a decorator to create a new colour scheme. However, by the time the decorator turns up the woman has gone out shopping. The decorator knocks on the door and the parrot says, ‘Who is it?’ The man says, ‘It’s the decorator.’ The parrot says, ‘Who is it?’ The man repeats, ‘It’s the decorator.’ The parrot says, ‘Who is it?’ The man yells, ‘It’s the decorator!’ The parrot says, ‘Who is it?’ The man screams, ‘I said, it’s the decorator…!’ The decorator gets so mad he pops a blood vessel and dies on the spot. The woman comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, ‘Oh my goodness! Who is it?’ The parrot replies, ‘It’s the decorator!’

An old lady buys a parrot, but it refuses to say a word. Three years pass and the parrot remains silent until, one day, the old lady gives it an apple. ‘Oh my God!’ shouts the parrot. ‘There’s a maggot in it!’ ‘Good heavens,’ says the old lady. ‘All these years without speaking. Why have you started now?’ ‘Well,’ replies the parrot. ‘Until today the food has been quite passable.’

A man and a woman were walking along a beach. The man noticed many shorebirds flying in pairs. ‘Why do they fly together like that?’ he asked the woman. She looked at him thoughtfully and replied, ‘Well, you know what they say. One good tern deserves another.'
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby meerkat » Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:23 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Watchman44 » Thu Feb 27, 2014 10:13 pm

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all the members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a litre." :whistle:
Who watches the watchman.......
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Feb 27, 2014 10:56 pm

All good ones. :lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Fri Mar 07, 2014 9:26 pm

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. ‘Why are you crying?’ the father asked. ‘Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,’ answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. ‘What are you so happy about?’ he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, ‘There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!’
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby meerkat » Tue Mar 11, 2014 2:47 pm

A girl was going on her first date and her mother gave her some advice: “The boy may try to kiss you – it will feel good, but don’t let him.
He may try to put his hand up your skirt – but don’t let him.
He may try to take your clothes off – but don’t let him.
If you do any of these things, you’ll disgrace your family.”
The girl said she understood and went on her date.

When she came home at about 11pm, her mother was waiting for her and said, “Well, did you disgrace your family?”
“No,” replied the girl. “Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it’s his family that’s disgraced!”
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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Tue Mar 11, 2014 3:07 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Mar 11, 2014 7:25 pm

:mrgreen: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Tue Mar 11, 2014 8:15 pm

A teenage boy comes home and announces that he wants to marry the girl next door, Jane Jones. His father takes him aside and says, ‘I’m sorry, son, but years ago I was having an affair with Jane’s mother and I got her pregnant. You can’t marry her because she’s your half-sister.’ A month later the son comes home and announces that he wants to marry a girl up the street, Sarah Smith. Again his father confesses that he once had an affair with Mrs Smith and that Sarah is in fact another half-sister. A month later the son announces his engagement to Amy Armstrong, but once more his father confesses that Amy is in fact another of his daughters. The son complains to his mother. ‘Dad’s driving me crazy,’ he says. ‘Every time I fall in love with a girl it turns out she’s one of Dad’s daughters.’ ‘Oh pay no attention to him,’ says his mother. ‘It’s not like he’s your real father.
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Will of Lancre » Thu Mar 13, 2014 2:45 pm

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting ‘Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!’
A hoho, which is like a haha only deeper
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