Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:41 am

How does NASA organize a birthday party? They planet.
What do planets like to read? Comet books
Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's alright now
Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's alright now
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? –HeHe
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down stairs? A condescending con descending!
How do you meet a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
What did the shoes say to the pants? Wazuupp britches
Why is diarrhea hereditary? Because it runs in your genes
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?.. He got stuck in Orbit
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand
What did the buffalo say to his son leaving for college? ...Bison
how do you turn soup into gold? you add 24 carrots!
What do you call an elephant hitchhiker? A two-and-a-half ton pickup.
what is it called when a bookcase takes a picture of itself? a shelfie
Why was the woman afraid of the restaurant? Cause it gave her the crepes.
When asked about his metting with the Prime Minister of Russia Obama replied "I'm Putin it off"
Why did the mermaid wear C shells? Because D shells were too big
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
vegetarians: would you eat meat if your life depended on it? if your like was at ....steak...
Why shouldn't you gamble in the jungle? There are a lot of cheetahs.”
What's the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet

We will always remember that the American Indians were here first. Why? They made reservations
Why did the banana have to go to the hospital? Answer: It wasn't peeling very well!
Why do you close a medicine cabinet carefully? .....Cause there are sleeping pills inside.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:21 am

^ :D :lol:

I was going to tell a chemistry joke but all the good ones Argon.
Should I tell a sodium joke? Na!
I'm afraid I'll get no reaction from my chemistry jokes.
Undead yes -
Unperson no!
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Thu Jan 23, 2014 11:26 am

Is it OK for vegetarians to eat ents?
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Mon Jan 27, 2014 4:23 pm

A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.

after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.

He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.

As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.

He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.

He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'

Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Jan 27, 2014 4:36 pm

Someone said to Harry, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

He replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f'ing advice, she'll ask me for it."
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby spideygirl2 » Mon Jan 27, 2014 5:58 pm

:lol:
Ssshhhh! It's really SpideyGirl here
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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Tue Jan 28, 2014 10:22 am

hnorwood wrote:Is it OK for vegetarians to eat ents?

Treebeard? Too chewy :?
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jan 28, 2014 11:10 am

My brother-in-law and I were fishing, not having any luck when he told me to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all of a sudden both oars snapped right in half.

Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now dipsh!t?"

"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.

Just then around a corner came an Englishman and two ladies with parasols. I yelled out, "Could I borrow one of your oars?"

The Englishman said, "Them's not oars! One's me wife and the other's me sister."
Last edited by Bouncy Castle on Tue Jan 28, 2014 3:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jan 28, 2014 3:43 pm

I have a little Sat nav
It sits there in my car
A Sat Nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Sat Nav
I've had it most my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Sat Nav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And sometimes warms the bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could switch the damn thing off.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Sat Feb 01, 2014 10:36 am

The motto of the French Navy translates as "To the water! it is the hour"

"A l'eau, c'est l'heure!"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Sat Feb 01, 2014 11:55 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Sat Feb 01, 2014 7:05 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Bonjour matelot ;)
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Feb 12, 2014 3:45 pm

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: 'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, "Ryanair".



Sorry Pip!! ;)
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Wed Feb 12, 2014 3:46 pm

I am fully behind any anti Ryanair rants or jokes. I refuse to travel with them. Had to twice for work and was disgusted by them.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Feb 12, 2014 3:50 pm

Relation of yours, is he? ;)
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