Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:16 pm

:lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Watchman44 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:47 pm

Does contain a couple of bad words.....
Classic Jethro.
Who watches the watchman.......
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Sun Jan 20, 2013 6:09 pm

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Mon Jan 21, 2013 11:29 am

So two guys are walking their dogs one day, one has a German Shepherd the other has a Chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with the German Shepherd turns to the guy with the Chihuahua and asks if he wants to go in for a drink. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You're crazy, they'll never let dogs into the bar." to which the guy with the German shepherd replies, "No no, watch this." He pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses, puts them on and walks into the bar, acting as if his German Shepherd is a seeing eye dog. He goes up to the counter, asks for a drink and the bartender gets it for him no problem. So the guy with the Chihuahua pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses, puts them on and walks in, acting like his Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog. The guy asks for a drink and the bartender replies, "I'm sorry sir there are no dogs allowed in this bar." "Hey man, it's a seeing eye dog, c'mon." The bartender looks skeptically down at the Chihuahua and asks, "A Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?" The guy pauses for a second then exclaims, "Wait, they gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Del » Mon Jan 21, 2013 12:30 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Watchman... Jethro who?

:lol: :lol: @ Ghost.
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:26 pm

A woman invites her lover over while her husband is out of the house. The lover comes over and they have their fun, but before they finish they hear someone coming up the stairs.
"Oh no," the wife says, "it's my husband! Quick, find somewhere to hide until I can get you home safely." She runs into the connected bathroom and turns on the shower. The lover manages to get his underwear on before noticing that the husband is about to enter; he sweeps the rest of his clothes under the bed and dives into the closet.
The husband noticed some commotion going on as he entered the room, so he starts checking around to see what's going on. When he opens the closet he sees the lover there, rifling through some coats and mumbling to himself.
"Uh, hello?" the husband asks. "What are you doing?"
The lover turns around nonchalantly and says, "Oh, hello! You must be the man of the house. Your wife called me over to get rid of a moth infestation in your closet."
"And you're doing this in your underwear?" the husband asks.
The lover looks down at his body, jumps a little bit and says, "Damn, they work fast!"
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Mon Jan 21, 2013 4:57 pm

Del wrote::lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Watchman... Jethro who?


Jethro is just Jethro, he is a very funny Cornish stand up comedian and definitely adult only

http://www.jethro.co.uk/about.htm

Adults Only you have been warned
Spoiler: show
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Del » Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:31 pm

:laughing-rofl: Funny! We have a few comedians like that... you never see them on TV... because their material is way too far gone for TV.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:47 pm

I've seen Jethro live a couple of times :D he has been on television but seriously edited
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:43 pm

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman sitting next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

Finally the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Jan 22, 2013 6:33 pm

:lol: :lol: good one Bouncy.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Jan 24, 2013 3:47 pm

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
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Re: Jokes

Postby spideyGirl » Thu Jan 24, 2013 4:02 pm

Groan :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby spideyGirl » Fri Jan 25, 2013 3:16 pm

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.


I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00

The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer €5.00 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with the Irish. :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby Kin Arad » Fri Jan 25, 2013 6:50 pm

:lol:
“Wouldn’t that unplug your heating pad?”
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