Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Jack Remillard » Fri Aug 30, 2013 10:49 am

A man named Bob is in severe financial difficulties. One night he prays to God to let him win the lottery. On Saturday, the numbers are read out and he hasn't won.

Things go from bad to worse over the following weeks, and he is close to losing his house.

He asks again "Oh, please God! Please let me win the lottery! I will devote the rest of my life to doing good and never sin again! Please!"

Again, no win on Saturday for Bob... He decides to give it one last go. The numbers are announced for the Wednesday draw, and yet again he has not won.

At this point he has reached his absolute breaking point. However, before he can do anything foolish, he hears a deep voice boom around the room.

COME ON, MAN! MEET ME HALF WAY! BUY A BLOODY TICKET!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Sep 04, 2013 7:00 pm

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 .
>



From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
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Re: Jokes

Postby chillicamper » Thu Sep 05, 2013 5:50 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:11 am

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby MrsWizzard » Sat Sep 07, 2013 4:56 am

This one is courtesy of my father, whose warped sense of humor I've seemed to have inherited.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil!
"Talk to the paw, mister, 'cos the whiskers don't want to know!!"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Quatermass » Sat Sep 07, 2013 5:34 am

Ew.

Some gallows humour. St Lawrence of Rome was martyred by being roasted to death on a gridiron. After some time being cooked, he reportedly said, "I'm done on this side, so turn me over." :lol:
"What have you been doing since you stole that antique TARDIS of yours, since you first landed on Skaro? Shouting 'Look at me!!! I'm not fighting a war!', while you battle the Daleks all the way through space and time."

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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Sat Sep 07, 2013 9:14 am

Playground humour....the best!! :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Sat Sep 07, 2013 9:54 am

janet wrote:Playground humour....the best!! :lol: :lol:

Why did the chicken cross the playground?



To get to the other slide!
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Sep 09, 2013 10:19 am

Spoiler: show
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.

Sex with an OAP – Saga.

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.

and finally



Sex with a transvestite - Confused.Com.
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The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:03 am

:clap: :clap:
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Mon Sep 09, 2013 5:14 pm

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Thu Sep 12, 2013 9:19 pm

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound like no other that he has ever heard.


The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,....


....silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

















.... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Thu Sep 12, 2013 10:59 pm

^ Far out :D

Bouncy Castle wrote:This made me LOL.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

That made me laugh as well.


The Kippered Herring Gang

Bloodnok: Do you know what happened to me this morning?
Seagoon: Yes, I don't know.
Bloodnok: A scruffy little urchin threw a kippered herring at me. He threw it at me!
Seagoon: Did you close with him?
Bloodnok: Of course not. He was only a kid. I mean, he doesn't know any better. Wasn't meaning any harm. Well, I mean, I'd have done it myself when I was young. He was only having fun.
Seagoon: Yes, but what did you do?
Bloodnok: I threw him under a steamroller!
Seagoon: Ah, you sentimental fool.
Bloodnok: Yes! I say, you wouldn't care for a rather unique bookmark, would you?
Undead yes -
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Sat Oct 05, 2013 11:54 pm

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Oct 16, 2013 9:30 am

Sweary, but we've all been there!!

Spoiler: show
Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.

Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

No, you must get a new one.

I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Sorry, you must get a new one.

OK, roses

Sorry you must use more letters.

OK, pretty roses

No good, you must use at least one numerical space.

OK, 1 pretty rose

Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

OK, 1prettyrose

Sorry, you must use additional spaces.

OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.
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