Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Fri Jul 19, 2013 12:36 am

That's bloody hilarious! I'm like that with our old cat Gus & my husband.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Jul 19, 2013 7:14 am

Many a true word said in jest, SJen ;)
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jul 23, 2013 10:26 am

The Dead Horse Theory - sometimes is referred to as Political correctness.

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount, then get another horse.”

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

One also could look in the root causes, i.e. what kind of parents he had, the horse's colour, his socio economic background, perhaps he was bullied or his mother was single, etc. etc. etc...

And this, folks, is why we still have the House of Commons.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Tue Jul 23, 2013 1:31 pm

Most of these seem all too familiar especially number 13 :roll:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jul 23, 2013 1:33 pm

Innit.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Tue Jul 23, 2013 2:09 pm

Pronounce the horse "fit for work". :roll:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Dotsie » Tue Jul 23, 2013 4:05 pm

That's number 14. And number 15, after the dead horse has been unable to get a job, encouraging the public to think of the dead horse as a sponger and a financial burden. Dead horses have too many kids! :evil:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Jul 23, 2013 4:16 pm

As an ex uncivil (at times)servant 4,5,6&7 rings only too true especially 6 bloody Atos bunch of tossers. :roll:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Tue Jul 23, 2013 10:13 pm

Three Female Friends

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role-playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask."

"Well?!," exclaimed the other two. "What happened?!"

"When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled ......

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Dotsie » Wed Jul 24, 2013 6:58 am

:lol: I bet Mr Dotsie would loved to be served his dinner by Batman.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Jul 24, 2013 8:31 am

On a train from London to Manchester, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Jul 24, 2013 12:05 pm

:lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Wed Jul 24, 2013 12:33 pm

^ :roll:

Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake!

Ah, you must have analogy.
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:27 pm

A London lawyer and a Yorkshire man are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds.

The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily... So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshire man would like to play a fun game.

The Yorkshire man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshire man's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The Yorkshire man doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Yorkshire man's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Yorkshire man and hands him £500.

The Yorkshire man pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep. The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Yorkshire man up and asks, 'Well! What the hell does go up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Yorkshire man reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Yorkshire men; they only talk different.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Sun Jul 28, 2013 11:22 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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