Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Fri May 31, 2013 1:55 pm

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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Fri May 31, 2013 2:00 pm

:lol:
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri May 31, 2013 7:54 pm

:mrgreen: it should have added drunk and ate some as well :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Jun 03, 2013 1:45 pm

Puns for Educated Minds :mrgreen:


1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3..
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall..
The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12..
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18..
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. Thestewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22..
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


23..
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can'thave your kayak and heat it too.

24..
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' Theother says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Mon Jun 03, 2013 2:41 pm

:lol:
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Will of Lancre » Mon Jun 03, 2013 3:14 pm

Your puns must be better than average, Dug: I laughed at 1, 2, 3 and 21, which is nearly 1 in 6. :mrgreen:

Others can be accurately carbon-dated: I can remember hearing no 9 on "I'm sorry I'll read that again" circa 1968. 8-)
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Jun 03, 2013 3:19 pm

But Will, darling. You are not that old, surely? :mrgreen:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Mon Jun 03, 2013 3:46 pm

What do you mean, Bouncy? I used to listen to ISIRTA back in the 60s as well! :snooty:
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Re: Jokes

Postby ChristianBecker » Mon Jun 03, 2013 5:04 pm

Will of Lancre wrote:Others can be accurately carbon-dated: I can remember hearing no 9 on "I'm sorry I'll read that again" circa 1968. 8-)

I call that phenomenal memory.

I laughed at quite some of them - also sometimes it was a facepalm-laugh.
Well, yes, a few of them are quite ancient.
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:15 am

It's new if you never heard it before. :lol:
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Tue Jun 04, 2013 2:08 am

I loved them all. Thanks Dug.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble .

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Undead yes -
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:08 pm

Just seen a dwarf struggling to carry a plasma tv back to his car, so I shouted can you manage with that telly mate? He replied Bugger off it's a Kindle. :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby chillicamper » Wed Jun 05, 2013 5:41 am

:lol: :lol:
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
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Re: Jokes

Postby Will of Lancre » Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:15 am

Nice one, Dug. :D

Nothing wrong with old puns btw. ISIRTA and Round the Horne (where I first heard a version of no. 20) gave me some of the best laughs of my childhood. :)

Possibly the best Round the Horne pun I can remember was at the end of the "Kenneth Horne - Secret Agent" episode where Ken and Betty Marsden are escaping from the den of Dr Chou En Ginsburg in Hong Kong, and reach the harbour.

Ken: "Quick, jump on a junk!"
Betty: "But which one? There are so many!"
Ken: "It doesn't matter - you can get away with any old junk on Round the Horne". 8-)

Puns are also highly popular in my profession because they are impossible for a computer to translate, and remind us that our jobs are safe. ;)

"Soufflez cela pour une alouette". :mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jun 11, 2013 2:58 pm

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, and watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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