Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Sat May 18, 2013 8:43 am

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"




A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops & says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex, please?"
The woman says, "No, go away!"
The tramp turns to leave & mutters, "Fine, I'll just go & wait at the bottom





The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a taxi to work. I don’t make much money and my husband doesn’t give more than bus fare, so the taxi driver always asks me, ’So are you going to pay today or what?’ I always give him an ’or what’. That makes me late to work, I’m late so the boss asks me, ’So are we going to dock your salary, or what?’ That’s another ’or what.’ On the way home, I take the taxi and again I don’t have any money so the taxi driver asks me, ’So are you going to pay this time or what?’ And, again, I do an ’or what’. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I’m all tired out and I don’t want sex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Sat May 18, 2013 10:10 am

A few years ago I was at quiz (in the audience) and one of the questions was
"What is the largest carnivore in the UK?"
To which the contestant repied
"Notting Hill"

The quiz resumed after about 5 minutes.....
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Sat May 18, 2013 10:34 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Square12 » Sat May 18, 2013 10:42 am

I believe depending on your definitions of largest/carnivore/in the uk it could variously be a seal (arguably piscivore is not a carnivore plus arguably not IN the uk), Siberian tiger (in zoos), golden eagle (wingspan is longer than a fox's length), wolf (reintroduction schemes in Scotland), pumas (probably in existence in various semi wilderness areas released after dangerous animals act in 70s), or the fox. Saying that I prefer notting hill
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And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sat May 18, 2013 12:37 pm

@ Joolz :lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon May 20, 2013 5:43 pm

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."


Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "no."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he’s busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper".

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They’re looking for me."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon May 20, 2013 5:51 pm

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,

in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon May 20, 2013 6:01 pm

Never send a man to do a woman's job...my uncle can't even keep the boobie tassels on & he's fallen off the pole 3 times, it's embarrassing
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon May 20, 2013 9:06 pm

:lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Mon May 20, 2013 9:14 pm

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby chillicamper » Tue May 21, 2013 5:30 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Thu May 23, 2013 5:42 am

Dear Friends:
Over the past few months I have forwarded some inappropriate pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor.. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow..
If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.
Looking to 2013 onward, I will only post or send e-mails with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics. Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris . It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. It was completed in 1604

















Image
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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Thu May 23, 2013 5:50 am

:lol:
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu May 23, 2013 11:10 am

:lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Conforumist » Thu May 23, 2013 11:15 am

Uhh, there's a bridge?? :? ......... :lol:
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