Frustration Thread 4

(For General Discussion)

Moderators: Jason, Toothy, Tonyblack

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Tonyblack » Tue May 07, 2013 8:12 pm

Cheery, I still find it very difficult to talk to people on the phone or face to face. To a degree I can act a different persona, but it's very tiring to keep it up for any time. People used to say that I was a very confident person, but I'm not - it's just a mask I wear. :)
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
User avatar
Tonyblack
Moderator
 
Posts: 28641
Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:29 pm
Location: Cardiff, Wales

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Cheery » Tue May 07, 2013 8:35 pm

to Mad: To a degree I'm trying to get more confident by video blogging. You know, just standing in front of a camera and saying what comes to mind and then putting yourself out there seems to help a bit, but I still have to see if it works. I'm just not doing it regularly enough :lol: It's great you found your way with the philatelic society! I'm sure I'll find something that will help me. Just sometimes I wish I was an extrovert. They seem to have it so easy :D

to Tony: I know that too well. I never say what's really on my mind, more what is the most appropriate and easiest thing to say in that moment to get over it without having to regret the conversation. Which almost always doesn't work. I always find something to regret. And you're right, it is tiring to keep up a mask.
Well, I guess that's just the way I am. I'm not good at talking or expressing myself in things other than drawings, but I am damn good at listening! XD My best friend once told me that it always makes her feel good that she can just talk about all her problems to me, without being interrupted and just feeling that someone's there to listen.
At least I hear from most people that I'm nice, which is nice :lol:
User avatar
Cheery
Member
 
Posts: 1544
Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2009 4:19 pm
Location: Switzerland

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby wicked woman » Tue May 07, 2013 8:47 pm

Cheery, have you considered assertiveness training? It's not about being aggressive and nasty, far from it, and a lot of it covers negotiation skills.
Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit. Gravity is easy-peasy by comparison.
User avatar
wicked woman
Member
 
Posts: 3145
Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2009 8:51 am
Location: nottinghamshire, uk

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Cheery » Tue May 07, 2013 8:52 pm

wicked woman wrote:Cheery, have you considered assertiveness training? It's not about being aggressive and nasty, far from it, and a lot of it covers negotiation skills.


Haven't considered that yet, but it definitely sounds like a really good idea.
User avatar
Cheery
Member
 
Posts: 1544
Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2009 4:19 pm
Location: Switzerland

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Square12 » Tue May 07, 2013 9:37 pm

Cheery I can explain your confidence leap in English, and that is that whether you believe it or not you have an excellent level of English, to the extent that, having watched your youtube blogs if I didn't know better I would assume you were a born native speaker with maybe a non native speaker parent and that is coming from someone who teaches English to foreigners and hears all different levels and nationalities. As a result when you are speaking to a non native speaker of English you are probably at a higher level than them and therefore you subconsciously feel you have an advantage over them; when you are speaking to a native speaker they probably don't tone their language down for you because they don't need to and this gives you a confidence boost. Whereas speaking German neither of these factors come into play.
Regarding assertiveness best advice I can give is when talking to someone, try to create the sense that whatever is being discussed is not important, this might sound counter-intuitive BUT it gives you a sense of freedom and a lack of fear, which the other person picks up on as lack of fear and confidence are outwardly near identical. Their reaction to you will then further bolster your confidence both in the specific circumstance creating a virtuous circle and in general.
The other options are to go into every conversation knowing that at least in some way you are superior to the other person, steer the conversation so the other person comes up with the idea (difficult and takes practice), derail the conversation and then restart it with "sorry, so we were talking about how much extra we're going to get for the increased workload." (you'd be amazed how often that works as does turning a positive statement into a question purely by intonation e.g. "So you're coming to the party? , or slowly nodding your head while asking the question when you want them to answer yes). or as a last resort grow longer ginger hair all over your body and limit your diet to bananas and vocab to ook.
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
User avatar
Square12
Member
 
Posts: 721
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2013 10:03 pm
Location: Madrid

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Jan Van Quirm » Tue May 07, 2013 10:16 pm

Cheery wrote:At least I hear from most people that I'm nice, which is nice :lol:

I used to work with a very confident woman who trained people to conduct official interviews for inheritance formalities which often meant dealing with bereaved relatives of course. She always used to say to downplay the official nature of things, but to keep it businesslike so you didn't upset people too much because they'd be really worried about the importance of the occasion. Her favourite epithet was therefore - 'It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice'

I'm a bit like Tony in that I present as being quite laid back and unemotional sometimes, but I'd be really worried underneath. Funnily enough I'm pretty good at fighting for other people, right back to when my younger sisters were little and got in trouble but when it comes to sticking up for myself I'm more likely to do a Magrat and start behaving like a wet hen... :oops:

I can't absolutely say that it gets easier as you get older, but if you're passionate about something that does usually come out if you have to talk about it and people can hear it in you and will generally listen politely. Asking for a pay rise doesn't come into that category I suspect, but just remind yourself that 'doesn't ask doesn't get', especially if there's no union or HR to ask for you... :shifty: Practice may help too. ;)
"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” George Bernard Shaw
User avatar
Jan Van Quirm
Member
 
Posts: 10316
Joined: Fri Nov 07, 2008 9:07 pm
Location: Dunheved, Kernow

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Square12 » Tue May 07, 2013 10:23 pm

Ooh the other one that might help cheery is apply for a summer job with Neckermann reisen I'm sure they operate out of Switzerland or alternatively I could probably put you in contact with the owner of DBS (deutche britischer schuler not sure of spelling) a German language agency for teens going to the uk for English residential language courses. Either of these would help incredibly with confidence and give you a good laugh in the process and earn some money while getting a chance to travel.
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
User avatar
Square12
Member
 
Posts: 721
Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2013 10:03 pm
Location: Madrid

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby chillicamper » Wed May 08, 2013 5:52 am

Cheery - I understand where your coming from. I've never been extrovert. When I finished forestry college years ago, there were no jobs to be had, so I went self employed doing tree surgery, gardening and landscaping. I found it very hard meeting customers and discussing prices for jobs. However, when I was just chatting to them, giving advice about a tree etc, I felt more confident.

I find I am much more confident whent speaking about something I have a passion for. In my case it's trees and woodland (and VW campers of course ;) ). I could probably bore for England. :oops: :lol:

After my shoulder self destructed, I found myself working in an office. I am now stuck in a job as an insurance broker and I feel the same insecurities pushing to the surface again. :( I've been doing it for over 10 years, but find it much more difficult to discuss insurance and get people to pay their premiums - it's not a subject I have any love for - it just pays the bills.

I'm with Mad on this one. Find something you enjoy doing and join a club to meet more people and boost your confidence. By the way, you really don't come across as 'socially awkward' in your you tube videos.
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
User avatar
chillicamper
Member
 
Posts: 1182
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2012 8:15 am
Location: Hampshire UK

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Dotsie » Wed May 08, 2013 6:29 am

wicked woman wrote:Cheery, have you considered assertiveness training? It's not about being aggressive and nasty, far from it, and a lot of it covers negotiation skills.

I did this when I was a teen - I used to be meek ;)
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
User avatar
Dotsie
Member
 
Posts: 9385
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2008 11:07 am

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed May 08, 2013 7:29 am

It definitely works then Dotsie ;)
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
User avatar
The Mad Collector
Member
 
Posts: 9472
Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:48 am
Location: Ironbridge UK

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby wicked woman » Wed May 08, 2013 7:40 am

If anyone on the forum does succeed in growing ginger hair all over their body and subsisting on a diet of bananas we want pics! :banana-gotpics:
Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit. Gravity is easy-peasy by comparison.
User avatar
wicked woman
Member
 
Posts: 3145
Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2009 8:51 am
Location: nottinghamshire, uk

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed May 08, 2013 8:47 am

Join a drama club?
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
User avatar
Bouncy Castle
Member
 
Posts: 11807
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:08 pm
Location: London

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Dotsie » Wed May 08, 2013 1:14 pm

Unfortunately, if you have low self esteem joining a club can just make it feel worse - it's like providing opportunities to fail. I joined a drama club once, it was a dreadful mistake. Gaining confidence can lead to socialising, but trying it the other way around is pretty hard.
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
User avatar
Dotsie
Member
 
Posts: 9385
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2008 11:07 am

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed May 08, 2013 1:16 pm

Good point.


Volunteer at a charity shop?
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
User avatar
Bouncy Castle
Member
 
Posts: 11807
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:08 pm
Location: London

Re: Frustration Thread 4

Postby Catch-up » Wed May 08, 2013 3:38 pm

I understand how you feel Cheery. Another introvert here! Society seems to expect us all to be extroverts. I think your video blogging will help, especially if you ever have the opportunity to talk to someone else who has to go through the same thing. You could try a public speaking class. A friend of mine teaches one and is always threatening to enroll me. :? Although, public speaking and socially communicating are two different things. Volunteering for something you're passionate about or enjoy would help too. I'm involved in two event committees for our town and I think that's helped me a bit. Last year they asked me to go to the businesses to ask for donations though and that was scary! :shock:
“It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening.”
― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees:
User avatar
Catch-up
Member
 
Posts: 6345
Joined: Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:19 am
Location: Michigan, U.S.A.

PreviousNext

Return to The Broken Drum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 11 guests