Not looking forward to being stabbed again in the lower back. This is really getting to be an emotional toll. I am not sleeping well, and having nightmares all the time. I have recently learned that childhood abuse, our mother beating us with everything she could get her hands on like fly swatters, teflon spoons and spatulas...beatings from my father all my life, to the point of intense bruising and emotional abuse i.e. being forced to wait in my room for up to an hour for a beating with my father's belt with no real idea of what I was being punished for, other than having been told I was a monster, have led to experiencing pain in a much more intense fashion and the anticipation of pain is horrifying.
My father traveled 5 days a week and came home on Friday night, leaving again on Sunday night. My mother would rile him up with every single thing she catalogued all week long, small or large and we small children would be sitting in the living room happy that Dad was home and suddenly he would storm into the room. Breathing heavily through his nose, unbuckling his belt, doubling it over and cracking it. He would growl between clenched teeth for us "monsters" to get to our rooms and wait to be beaten. We were never told exactly What we were being beaten for. All we could do was wait, sometimes for over an hour, while he waited to calm down so he would not kill us (that is what my mother told us, also the reason he used the belt instead of his hands) going over and over the week, trying to remember what we did that was so awful. She is crazy, still crazy. When I last spoke to her, over 6 years ago, she just replied "But I was so YOUNG". Horsehockey. She has rewritten history in her mind and has painted herself as the perfect mother. I still cannot hear the sound of a whip cracking or a belt doubled over without cringing into the fetal position.
I am in therapy. I am trying to recover, yet I still suffer this irrational fear of pain. I hate it, it makes me feel like a small, helpless child. I am afraid that doctors will perceive me to be immature.
I have had so many operations, procedures, dental hell, and many other injuries which I dealt with on my own, and yet each new thing that comes up brings such fearful apprehension. I certainly hope I can conquer this in my lifetime.
Vampires have risen from the dead, the grave and the crypt, but have never managed it from the cat. ~ Witches Abroad