Its Over!... Kinda... Mostly...

[Del]

Seriously though.... Who can be serious.... peeing myself here.

No seriously....

The laws DID change. My brother tried to get access to his daughters in 2000 - 2002 thereabouts under the OLD laws. He had a million dollars business, houses... quiet a rich lad who built his business up with hard work. He took his wife to court to get "access". Because she was the "custodial" parent (terms never used anymore) she got unlimited legal aid and he lost everything. Ran out of money and didn't see his girls for ten years. Sooooooooooo.. mens groups thought it was unfair (and it WAS) so they lobbied the government to change the laws so it wasn't so much in the womens favour. Well when you get ONE group lobbying to change laws, the lawmaker tend to over compensate. So in 2006 the laws changed.... and now they have swung too far the other way. NOW they are being changed AGAIN at the end of this year because too many women have gone to court without representation and ended up in very very dire circumstances where they have lost the children, and been hit with so many legal bills from the government that they are basically paying them off til they die. Its far too complicated and such a rats nest its hard to explain simply here.

So nowadays there is no access or custody. Both parents have a right to see the children. Its the law. I didn't know this. Even if you are in prison you have the right to see your children (and the duty of the other parent to make this possible). If its dangerous you have to prove it, and then they are still given the right to see them even if its with supervision (very rare to have supervision from officials.... they can nominate relatives or their friends as supervisors )

Thing is Family Law is a Federal matter and abuse is a State matter and its rarely a State or police matter can be used in a Federal Court. Alot of relience is put on a report from a court appointed Family Psychologist, which is what happened to us... though as Jan said... if you get a nutter there isn't much you can do. (I get bile rising in my gullet everytime I think about that report and the crap that is written in it... sickening!) The only avenue I would have had would have been to contest the report (not a good thing when the judge appointed this one himself) and at immense expense... AND to do that would have meant asking the court for another hearing to submit that evidence (which never goes down well... dragging a case out and is seen as being "hostile")

As I had stopped Hayden visiting the ex and he "HAD" to take me to court I was judged to be a "hostile parent" from day one. Reconciliation and mediation is seen as a first step and I was hoodwinked (this guy is good at manipulation remember...) I never even KNEW "that" conversation was his attempt at arranging mediation but it went down officially as him trying his hardest (Damn these emoticons don't have ENOUGH emotion!) I had strips ripped off me in court the first time by the judge for being there and dragging the poor father to court.

An article in a recent paper here recently said the family court has less room to answer (you can't.. you can only answer the judge's questions) and was more intimidating than a murder trial. I can vouch for that (not that I have been in a murder trial..... give me time....)

The whole process is condusive to destroying the woman (and in some cases I have seen men) to depression (tick) fear (tick) and in some cases suicide (oh that one hovered so often.... the only thing that stopped me was the thought that she would be left alone with him...and the other two girls would try to protect her and he would go after them).

Sooooooooo if you are diagnosed with depression.... guess what? You can be ruled as unfit to be a parent! Good hey! And when the children fall apart from the stress they are being put under, it can be ruled as your fault because they are living with you until this is over (if they aren't taken away from the "unfit parent" before then).

And one of the big rules was: The children are NOT ever to be aware that a court case is going on! Ever! And if they find out its your fault, and they can be taken away...... Now... my kids aren't stupid. What? Being dragged from pillar to post being interviewed, interrogated but hey .. nothing is going on..... Oh and having the court papers SERVED to a 15 year old and not even in an envelope????? Only way I could prove that was to take the server to court in a separate case.

After the first court date I was ordered to send Hayden back on weekends... and not fortnightly.... as "You will be punished from keeping this child from her father!" so every weekend. He tried to make it every weekend up to now but the ex (through his lawyer) explained that "he could NEVER do that to me.... it was too cruel" and I got yet another lecture about how wonderful the ex was to show such compassion. Truth be told the ex's wife would have hit the roof at being stuck with H every weekend.... and so would the ex... no time for his man friends to visit with a kid there. (The weekends his wife works he sends her kids off to her friends). AND I had to arrange councellors to see Hayden to make her happy and excited to visit the ex.

Debt: The court will want me to pay at least half of all court costs... they may even make me pay all of them. Though I think that would have been put forward at the settlement time.. I don't know. The judge always had me listed as a "hostile parent" and it could still happen (hostile meaning it was my fault the ex HAD to hire a lawyer to do all this). The judge thought that I was being flippant and not regarding the childs best needs in the case by not having a legal team, (I had no money to hire one and no judgement on legal aid) so ordered a Childrens Lawyer to represent on her behalf. He didn't really get involved but I will still have to pay all his costs and court costs. I will be forced to pay all or half of the costs for the court appointed Family Psychologist (and that was an all day event). I could be also forced to pay the ex's court costs and all his legal fees if he decides to ask for them. I DID mention to him when I was getting him to sign the Parenting Agreement that he would be perfectly within his rights to do that but that doing so would entail alot more legal costs to his legal team and it may not even be ruled in his favour. (Cant say too much about that one here )

Q is right. Its all about the torment. Actually its a game. Morgan the teen said he has spreadsheets. He lives to play games on his Xbox, his Playstation, his computer. This is his game. Some of the things he set up, Morgan said she had seen set up in his lists up to 18 months ago.... well two years now. "If I do this, she will do this, or this, and then I will do this...." She didn't really believe it when she saw it. I think she didn't want to tell me either as he used her for some of the set-ups. He used to sit for hours writing out "texts" he was lining up to send me and show them to her or read them out to her and ask "Do you reckon thats a good one? That will get up her nose? And it won't get me into trouble" then figure out what would be the reaction. Another thing the psychologist said was pure fantasy. The day Hayden got tangled in a rope playground climbing web was pure gold. He took about 30 photos of the welts on her legs and had me charged with abuse... and it happened while she was with him! Yes she told the authorities it was from the playground but having police and child protection going through my home, interviewing the kids, was a nightmare... and its flagged. It never goes away.

So the laws will be changed at the end of this year. God knows what they will come up with this time.

In the meantime.... "The child will reside with the mother" Its not over by a long shot. He will continue; this is like defeating the boss of a round in the game; there are many levels to play yet for him .... but he had better not put ONE damn foot wrong on his side.

Light the torches!!!!!! Bawahaaaaaaa!

[Del]

So just Dotsie with a handbag then

....and STILL your OMG Cat reacts to your every post with perfection!

[pip]

It doesn't get old

[Catch-up]

I've only just gotten back to read this. HUGE HUGS DEL!!! Yay for all of you and thank goodness H will be with you! I can't even imagine what going through all that was like. But I can understand how this place saved your sanity. I found the CA DW forum shortly before Thing 1 became very ill and we struggled through years of figuring it out. It was the first forum I ever joined too. I will never forget the way everyone supported me there!

[Del]

Medals catch-up. Big shiny bright medals the lot of them.

[ShadowNinjaCat]

Lists!? The more I read,the more I really can't stand this guy. Big hugs Del.

[Quatermass]

Q is right. Its all about the torment. Actually its a game.

Normally, I like knowing that I'm right. But in this case, well...I can't like being right. Because it's horrifying to know that I have such an excellent grasp of the dark side of human nature with only second hand experience and a metric f**kton of cynicism.

And the rest of what you discussed, Del, is f**ked up. The law, as always, is shown to be an arse. Except instead of bringing out digested food as sh**, you bring out digested precedents as judgements. Same thing in the end.*

*Okay, I know this is just begging for someone with a legal inclination to correct me. Yes, my knowledge of legalese is restricted mostly to what I read from Bleak House and seen on TV dramas. Gimme a break.

[Jan Van Quirm]

Q is right. Its all about the torment. Actually its a game.

.......... And the rest of what you discussed, Del, is f**ked up. The law, as always, is shown to be an arse. Except instead of bringing out digested food as sh**, you bring out digested precedents as judgements. Same thing in the end.*

*Okay, I know this is just begging for someone with a legal inclination to correct me. Yes, my knowledge of legalese is restricted mostly to what I read from Bleak House and seen on TV dramas. Gimme a break.

Now Q - you're just being paranoid now

It's all in the interpretation and in civil law where liberty is not usually at issue there's swings and roundabouts with how evidence is treated as it's mostly dealt with in private and the court relies heavily on welfare and medical authorities for their impartiality. The law seems to be an ass because really it's elastic (in this case the knicker variety ) and so can be shrunk or stretched to fit any given situation, but precedent matters because it's the record of how properly resolved outcomes evolve. Some judges regrettably are not confident or flexible enough to apply what would appear to be common sense to how they assess a situation where the evidence they're presented with isn't a good fit, even though precedent would say it should be.

What stands out in Del's case is the treatment by the court of her teen's experience with the ex-arse, who lived with them for part of last year, even though she's not his natural daughter. For them to totally ignore what went on in that period, some of which H shared with the teen (I think that was when the floods are happening?), and then when the teen left (well - fled more or less ) his house and her subsequent breakdown is utterly unfathomable. Why this episode wasn't admissable when considering a younger and far more vulnerable child, albeit his biological daughter appears to be highly risky and unfortunately the imbalance between state and federal law has been atrociously exploited to botch the investigation, even though a separate lawyer was brought in to represent H's interests. This is common practice in most English-speaking courts and usually it's a failsafe to prevent exactly this kind of manipulation by unscrupulous parents or where they're disadvantaged in some way, like not being able to afford their own representation.

Del's had a truly awful experience, but now this order is in place it will be harder for the ex-arse and his legal people to mess with the court procedures, especially if Del is able to work with the support structure that has come out of the socio-welfare investigation which has ultimately confirmed that H's primary care should remain with Del. It may not be ideal but it does endorse that Del is the person best placed to look after H, despite ex-arse's best shot at showing she shouldn't be.
Although Del's been well and truly mauled during this, bottom line is that H will still be living with her and the court simply wouldn't have contemplated that if there was any chance that they thought she'd been failing to look after H properly, regardless of the terrible relationship between Del and the ex...

[Quatermass]

Q is right. Its all about the torment. Actually its a game.

.......... And the rest of what you discussed, Del, is f**ked up. The law, as always, is shown to be an arse. Except instead of bringing out digested food as sh**, you bring out digested precedents as judgements. Same thing in the end.*

*Okay, I know this is just begging for someone with a legal inclination to correct me. Yes, my knowledge of legalese is restricted mostly to what I read from Bleak House and seen on TV dramas. Gimme a break.

Now Q - you're just being paranoid now

OF COURSE!

All joking aside, paranoia is my base state of mind.

[Del]

Jan: You have it in a nutshell. There is no access or custody here. Shared Parenting. It has to be the utmost dire circumstances to deny a parent that. Even if H only goes over every second weekend he has shared rights to her upbringing and decisions that affect her. I can only hope he is too disinterested to get fully involved.

The judge ultimately wanted us to make a decision. The parenting agreement wasn't too far out of the ordinary so it went ahead. You really have to pull out some big guns to go outside that. Me and the hundreds of other cases that came to the courts on that one day needed to be processed.

And you are right about Morgan. The way she was treated IS disgusting. The crazy part is that she is working with a mental health team now. Thats been good for her. She is finally talking. But because of who they are any information they get is highly confidential and cannot be disclosed unless the person responsible in still in contact with her or unless she decides to press charges, and that opens up a snake pit I don't think she is in the right frame of mind to handle just now. Just concentrating on getting her better.

I am concentrating on making Hayden feel safe and trying to teach her strategies to keep safe. The older girls and I learnt quickly to avoid the ex when he gets in a mood. Its hard to teach H that. Thing is.. I'm not a ranting raving dervish. Not in my nature, but you stay quiet when he isnt. And calm. And you need to stay calm and patient around H when she gets upset or angry (which doesnt happen very often...well not here in any case). It can take alot of time and everything else goes on hold just for a bit and the older girls and I all know how to calm her, or distract her or make her laugh She doesnt understand when its happening but she is always so sorry after. It really doesnt happen often as I said.... but when it does you need to know what to do. (Farting! It works every time! My oldest can do it on command if she is here. I wish I could. I am very good at faking it though and we have whoppee cushions if all else fails ) I do have nicely mannered kids with all the social graces..... but needs must at times!

My poor little girl. Morgan is so terribly thin. We had a huge discussion this week on how she can gain weight. She has never been able to eat fatty food or junk food; it makes her ill. And none of us are fussed on sugary sweets or chocolates. She does like cheeses though (fetta especially) .... and sour cream. Trying hard to think of things that add calories that she can eat. Nibble on. She gags on meal replacement drinks. I can identify with her. I went from a 16 to an 8 about ten years ago. Took me a year to put on any real weight even with meal replacements.

Any suggestions?

[Bouncy Castle]

Sangers.

[Bouncy Castle]

Bread, potatoes, pasta, rice.

Sausages, bacon, Fried eggs.

Mmmmmm.....................

[Del]

She's not big on bread, but tolerates hand made types like ploughmans bread. Has never been able to eat a sandwich or bread with butter on it. I always had to pack a salad even in Prep.
Bacon: greasy, even if I sop it with paper towels.
Sausages: I have tempted her once or twice with ones that had strange and unusual fillings but she gags if they have fat in them.
Eggs: Never been good with eggs.
Potatoes: Loves them. Mashed I add heaps of butter (but not so much she can taste it) and milk and garlic. Loves them roasted (but only in olive oil which is what we use) and has sour cream with them. She seems very tolerant of olive oil.
Pasta: I get alot of fat in that when I can with salmon in a cream and butter sauce with dill, but she isnt fussed on many other sorts. Hates rice but will eat it in sushi.

She just loves salads and vegetables. Has eaten spinach and lemon juice since she was able to chew. Any kind of vegetable. Loves fruit. The only one that has any real fat content is avocado so add that when possible.

I used to sneak in icy milkshakes (loads of full cream milk and icecream in it) but its getting so cold here now.

She loves sour cream.

[Batty]

If she loves milk and cheese, then make her a cheesey pie.
2 Layers of mash, grated cheddar, and put in the oven until the cheese topping is crispy.

OR ... macaroni cheese?

[Del]

The pie sounds nice..... especially if I add heaps of bok choi or spinach.

Puff pastry: thats a good one.... can put anything in puff pastry which she loves and its full of fat.

Macaroni cheese? Rates right upthere with Haggis in this house