Jokes - Part Deux

(For General Discussion)

Moderators: Jason, Toothy, Tonyblack

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Tonyblack » Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:51 am

Reminds me of the one about Roy Rodgers, the singing cowboy:

Image

Who spent a small fortune on a custom pair of hand-made boots. They were really the most beautiful things he had ever seen and he absolutely loved them. But not long after he got them, he walked into his bedroom, opened the closet where the boots were kept only to find a mangy black and white tomcat eating the boots. The cat ran off, but the boots were totally ruined. :o

Roy was furious and determined to get revenge, so he posted a reward of $500 for anyone who caught the culprit.

Lots of cats were brought to him, but they were either the wrong colour or the wrong sex or, in one case a skunk!

Eventually Roy was sitting in a bar playing cards and drinking whiskey when an old timer tapped him on the shoulder and held up black and white tomcat for his inspection with the words . . .

Spoiler: show
"Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
:lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
User avatar
Tonyblack
Moderator
 
Posts: 29018
Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:29 pm
Location: Cardiff, Wales

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Sep 10, 2012 7:53 pm

it was Trigger that did the signing Roy was his stand in as the horse could not play the guitar. :twisted: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
User avatar
Who's Wee Dug
Member
 
Posts: 14880
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:31 pm
Location: Stirlingshire, Scotland

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Fri Sep 14, 2012 3:50 pm

Bugger. Bouncy's list of one liners is gone! Oi! Bouncy!
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
User avatar
Del
Member
 
Posts: 3368
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2012 7:13 am

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Fri Sep 14, 2012 4:31 pm

psycho.jpg
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
User avatar
Del
Member
 
Posts: 3368
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2012 7:13 am

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Batty » Fri Sep 14, 2012 4:36 pm

Is that a photo of Q, relaxing? ;) :lol:
Going to my school was an education in itself. Which is not to be confused with actually getting an education (Schultz)
User avatar
Batty
Member
 
Posts: 4656
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:03 pm
Location: East Anglia

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Sep 14, 2012 6:37 pm

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing.. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his ****king widow."
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
User avatar
Who's Wee Dug
Member
 
Posts: 14880
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:31 pm
Location: Stirlingshire, Scotland

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Batty » Fri Sep 14, 2012 9:31 pm

:lol:
Going to my school was an education in itself. Which is not to be confused with actually getting an education (Schultz)
User avatar
Batty
Member
 
Posts: 4656
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:03 pm
Location: East Anglia

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Sep 14, 2012 11:00 pm

And another. :mrgreen:
On January 9 a group of Boca, FL, bikers were riding South on I-95 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets a round of applause from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
User avatar
Who's Wee Dug
Member
 
Posts: 14880
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:31 pm
Location: Stirlingshire, Scotland

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sat Sep 15, 2012 5:00 pm

And there's more. :mrgreen:
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours. ''Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get
the hell out of here!'
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
User avatar
Who's Wee Dug
Member
 
Posts: 14880
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:31 pm
Location: Stirlingshire, Scotland

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sat Sep 15, 2012 10:28 pm

Slight adult content

How to suck at your religion - The Oatmeal http://theoatmeal.com/comics/religion :twisted:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
User avatar
Who's Wee Dug
Member
 
Posts: 14880
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:31 pm
Location: Stirlingshire, Scotland

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby chillicamper » Sun Sep 16, 2012 6:24 am

Who's Wee Dug wrote:Slight adult content

How to suck at your religion - The Oatmeal http://theoatmeal.com/comics/religion :twisted:


That made me laugh........does that mean I am going to hell now? :lol:
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
User avatar
chillicamper
Member
 
Posts: 1392
Joined: Sun Aug 05, 2012 8:15 am
Location: Hampshire UK

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby ChristianBecker » Sun Sep 16, 2012 6:32 am

Didn't make me laugh at all. I appreciate it nevertheless because it's true. Especially the flowchart at the end is good stuff.
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
User avatar
ChristianBecker
Member
 
Posts: 4167
Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:21 pm
Location: Bingen

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby spideyGirl » Sun Sep 16, 2012 7:29 am

Very good, unfortunately those who need to read it never will.
User avatar
spideyGirl
Member
 
Posts: 3548
Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 3:15 pm
Location: Yorkshire, UK

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby chris.ph » Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:54 am

not many volcanos going off around swansea :cry:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
User avatar
chris.ph
Member
 
Posts: 8678
Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:52 am
Location: swansea south wales

Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Sep 17, 2012 12:25 pm

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos.

They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

'Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18 '', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says … "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
User avatar
Bouncy Castle
Member
 
Posts: 12048
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:08 pm
Location: London

PreviousNext

Return to The Broken Drum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Yahoo [Bot] and 5 guests