Jokes - Part Deux

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Joolz » Tue Jul 31, 2012 6:44 pm

Who's Wee Dug wrote:This tickled.


I'm nicking that :lol:
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby spideyGirl » Tue Jul 31, 2012 8:57 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Seimimac » Tue Jul 31, 2012 11:46 pm

Me: Oh darling, will you marry me?
Herself: Oh darling! Of course I will!

7 years later, and it's still the best practical joke I ever played on my identical twin brother...
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Penfold » Wed Aug 01, 2012 8:51 am

A bat went out hunting and came back a half hour later a bit worse for wear and with his whole face covered in blood.

His mate, shocked, asked, "what the hell happened to you?"

The bat pointed out of the cave and replied "Well I was flying over there towards that old castle and you see that old flag pole sticking out".

The mate said "Yeah".

The bat said "yes, well I __ing didn't"! :lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Aug 01, 2012 8:53 am

Seimimac wrote:Me: Oh darling, will you marry me?
Herself: Oh darling! Of course I will!

7 years later, and it's still the best practical joke I ever played on my identical twin brother...



:lol: :lol:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:15 am

Subject: Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:10 pm

Seimimac wrote:I was rudely awoken this morning by the sound of my neighbour's lawnmower, but I thought, 'Feck him, he can mow around me, I'm not gettin' up!'

The same neighbour called to my house at 3 am last Sunday morning. 3 am! Good thing I was still up playing my drums...



:lol: :lol: :lol:
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Wed Aug 01, 2012 9:28 pm

coconut.jpg
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby ChristianBecker » Thu Aug 02, 2012 5:42 am

As an apropos:
Coconuts aren't nuts. :D
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Tonyblack » Thu Aug 02, 2012 5:47 am

ChristianBecker wrote:As an apropos:
Coconuts aren't nuts. :D

Neither are peanuts. :P
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby cheery_j. » Thu Aug 02, 2012 6:31 am

... or Brazil nuts. :D
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Thu Aug 02, 2012 6:37 am

...... or wheel nuts.
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Aug 02, 2012 9:16 am

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby pip » Thu Aug 02, 2012 9:17 am

:lol: :lol:
'There is no future for e-books, because they are not books. E-books smell like burned fuel.'
Ray Bradbury (RIP)
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Dotsie » Thu Aug 02, 2012 10:03 am

Del wrote:...... or wheel nuts.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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