Jokes - Part Deux

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby deldaisy » Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:25 pm

Its the quiet ones you have to watch.

Why do kids always think their parents have no sense of humour? They were young too once Q..... I bet if you were more observant you might find your mum has a tiny tattoo you have never heard of .... :lol: :lol:

My parents always made it clear that they had a LIFE "BC" (before children).... and alot of it was a hell of alot more exciting than anything we could offer up.... and yes they HAD drugs back then and yes they HAD alcohol back then and YES they had sex .... how the heck do you kids think YOU got here????? :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Doughnut Jimmy » Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:36 pm

deldaisy wrote:Why do kids always think their parents have no sense of humour?


Possibly because of the "wonderful" jokes dads tell! :twisted:
"when the gods made sheep they must've left their brains in their other coat"
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Jan 17, 2012 1:55 pm

Image
Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheddar? How dairy!

I went to see Ready Steady Cook the other day. It was fantastic. Antony Worrall Thompson absolutely stole the show.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed up Worrall Thompson's jacket.

Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco. He's clearly run out of dough.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're using the Worrall Thompson recipe book.

Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheese and wine. And that was only for starters.

Wozza was caught stealing cheese from Tesco. He should have done it more Caerphilly.

I don't care what he's done, I'm still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender. Better the Breville you know

Asked how he feels about stealing cheese, Antony Worrall Thompson admits it wasn't very mature.
:lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jan 17, 2012 2:03 pm

:clap: :clap: :clap:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby The Mad Collector » Tue Jan 17, 2012 3:28 pm

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Penfold » Tue Jan 17, 2012 5:15 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Anthony Worrell Thompson will be next weeks guest ..On "Ready Steady Crook".

Antony Worrall Thompson is heading the new Tesco advertising campaign on TV. He says that shopping at Tesco at these prices is a steal!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby deldaisy » Tue Jan 17, 2012 5:24 pm

No idea what you lot are on about.... this chef stole some cheese huh ?
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Penfold » Tue Jan 17, 2012 5:35 pm

He is a famous tv chef and restaurant owner over here who got caught shoplifting wine and cheese from Tesco (do you have Tesco's stores in Austalia? They seem bent on world domination of the food market). :D
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Batty » Tue Jan 17, 2012 6:18 pm

It wasn't the wine he stole - he paid for 2 cases of wine ... He stole 2 onions & some cheese!
He has a restaurant stocked with onions! Either he's nicked the lot or he couldn't be bothered to walk a few hundred yards to retrieve them!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Jan 17, 2012 7:37 pm

SCHOOL BUS IN JAPAN
Image
Image
Image
SCHOOL BUS IN INDIA
Image

.........and which country do you get
when you have a technical problem with your computer?
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby ChristianBecker » Tue Jan 17, 2012 7:44 pm

That's actually rather sad.
And doubly so since all those computers are running Windows.
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby chris.ph » Tue Jan 17, 2012 8:25 pm

it says microsoft on the side of the bus christian ;)
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:52 pm

The science teacher stood in front of the class and said:
"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a BMW." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"

"Because my mum has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:55 pm

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, 'Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly.'
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the Cross as the 'Big T'.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!'.
6. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as 'J.C. and the Boys'.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not 'Kick the shit out of him'.
8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
9. We don't refer to Judas as 'El Finko'.
10. The Pope is consecrated, not castrated, and we don't refer to him as 'The Godfather'.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body', he did not say 'Eat me'.
12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't 'stoned off his ass'.
13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook'.
14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never 'Mary with the Cherry'.
15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jan 19, 2012 1:58 pm

In the Sex Education class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."

The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"

Johnny says, "Seventy-three."

The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."

She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"

Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."

Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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