poohcarrot wrote:(I'm bound to get into trouble for this comment. I always do!)
I think what X Date The Rat is trying to say is;
"What does not kill us, SHOULD make us strong."
Which I agree with 100%.
But you have to cope by whatever means it takes. That's life! Bad things will always happen. It's up to the individual to turn them into bricks for character building, because if they don't, they'll be weighted down forever. It's Darwinian. Sink or swim. You can't swim if you've got bricks tied to you.
(sits back and waits for the flak.)
Oh dear - you are having a rotten time at the moment aren't you pooh?
I agree with what you've said there as a generalisation as well. The part I highlighted however, ties in with what Tony's just said -
Tonyblack wrote:Firstly I'd say that most people do eventually move on with their lives once something tragic has happened to them. How long that takes or what route they take to move on is something else.
There are any number of coping methods that people can use to fend off the after effect of some terrible trauma whether that's years of someone chipping away at your self-esteem in a way that's very slight, almost unnoticeable of the surface, but cumulatively is extremely damaging even though there's not a scrap of physical abuse involved (stealth bullying if you like).
This can be as bad, or even worse than, a soldier in Afghanistan who was only a few paces behind his best friend, who happened to step on a land mine. Every person's trauma limit is very subjective and the soldier who survived, may on the surface, carry on for weeks or months, supported by other friends and appear to get over such an awful experience. The army takes care of it's own very well and comradeship counts for a lot - but more months or years down the line, one more drink with the lads turns into too many late night sessions, turns into having a bottle of something in the glove compartment of your civvy street car, and always carrying a packet of mints because people are starting to notice you're never quite sober. And the nightmares get worse and worse, so you drink a little more and a little more, until you're not 'coping' anymore and you're in a terrible mess.
And maybe one day there's a point where you can see no other way out but death and think about how to do that quickly. You don't think about other people, because you think you've lost everyone and nobody cares whether or not you're around. Some people can't stop thinking that way and they 'cope' in the only way left to them. Others, the lucky ones who are too scared
to jump, or get a gun, or buy enough analgesics to actually kill them, without damaging their internal organs for life if they can't keep the pills down - they fall to pieces and admit they're in deep trouble and hopefully a way is found to help them get back to a life that can be 'managed' and self-stabilised, using therapy, or medication, or whatever it takes to even out the pain, whatever it is, so it can be tolerated.
Coping is not recovering, it's functioning on the least line of resistance for a lot of people, because they don't think or recognise that anything's wrong with them. You're supposed to feel awful when your best mate or partner dies and then you 'get over it'. I can 'cope' with a hell of a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm dealing with anything or moving on at all. When I finally admitted I had an 'affliction' (a chronic clinical depressive condition - in the UK clinical depression isn't seen as a disease because you can 'recover') rather than just 'been through a terrible time', I suddenly realised that there was a cycle or pattern of depression going all the way back to my early teens at least, but maybe even back to the age of 6 when I first began to have trouble with sleeping patterns because I was petrified of maths tests that we had every Friday
I got better at maths - tick that one off, and I did well at school but every so often I'd not sleep at all for one reason or another and there was a recognisable pattern of anxiety that by the time was I was 14 resulted in my first true psychotic episode when I thought I was surrounded by 'empty people' (like realistic AI robots) at school, but also my mum as well. I was terrified and didn't tell anyone about that until I was over 40 when I had the same kind of thing but with places - where I was completely bewildered as to where I was, in my own kitchen
, in a house I'd lived in for 20 years. When it happened to me in the car on the way to work, I really paniced and that's when I went on anti-depressants. Those weren't major 'events' though bad things had happened stemming from when I miscarried the only child I ever conceived, probably because I was drinking far too much at that time in my life. The marriage suffered from then on because 'I got over it' very quickly indeed. I didn't grieve except for some crying for 2 days, and when I did, I was told not to be sad, that I was young and could have another baby. So I cried inside instead, although I didn't recognise it as such, and just had another lager or gin and tonic when I felt sad, so I didn't think about it too much. But July 17th would come around every year and I'd wonder what my daughter would have been doing if I hadn't 'killed' her long before she could have been born on that date.
Nothing that odd, or even awful, but I wasn't getting over a lot of things that happened to me, even though I seemed quite happy and 'controlled' to everyone who knew me. Far too frighteningly controlled to the point of complete denial. This is why 'wallowing' isn't necessarily a bad thing - sometimes you need to wallow good and proper and examine your grief, acknowledge it and get it out of your system and then
you can really move on.
Thank you Exp. Date, the rat for changing the title of this thread
I would have still posted in here, even if you hadn't, because this forum has the happy knack of being very supportive and non-judgmental, and so subjects like this are handled rationally and helpfully. I'm grateful that we can find understanding from a range of people who have handled terrible experiences any way they could, and can talk about it and maybe help others, people who're in the middle of something similar and, by simply talking things over a little, they can then take some comfort away with them. I would say to people who've gone through something too awful to wallow for while, if that's all that's open to them, but please don't do it alone - tell someone your pain and trust them to help you, even if it's only crying with you. Empathy is a wonderfully nourishing gift because it means someone, somewhere understands you at least a little bit and so you find true friends in strange places - like on this forum