RIP Dad

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RIP Dad

Postby Jan Van Quirm » Sat Dec 12, 2009 3:29 pm

He's gone and thank the gods, pain-free and relatively peacefully with none of his almost legendary obstinacy in the early hours of this morning which was also the birthday of his younger sister who died 9 years ago.

My mum was convinced he'd 'hang on' until Xmas day to give her 'a challenge' - he was always proud of her ability to put the willies up useless or dodgy service-providers call centres and helplines. :) Yesterday I went over to spend the afternoon and early evening with them and my sister. Mum had sounded rather calm but sad on the phone when the arrangement was made, but by the time I got there, the district nurse was finishing the paperwork having got him on a timed-delivery diamorphine drip around 10 am, which had taken all of 20 seconds to sedate him for the duration after a very disturbed period during the night. He had been adament that he should be moved because there were rats under his bed. :cry: So by the time I got there both mum and my sister were visibly relieved and beginning to relax.

All that was needed the rest of the time was to keep his mouth moist with swabs, he never regained consciousness and his breathing was as relaxed as it could have been. It was much better to see him truly asleep/unconscious and out of pain, than constantly drifting in and out of various levels of lucidity as he has been for the last 2 weeks or more so the three of us passed the afternoon talking and laughing a little about all kinds of things, some connected with dad, like what to do for an obit for the local paper and other times about anything and everything. We were all glad it was looking like being over v. soon. The Marie Curie nurses and the district ones had taken us through what to expect, so it was just a question of waiting and passing the time pleasantly until it ended without too much wallowing or wanting it to last any longer than was absolutely necessary.

I left at 7 pm, came home and went online to see how to get the obit done and even got it priced, so this morning when I eventually made it out of bed, it was to the welcome news of dad dying at around 3 am, having never regained consciousness. We'd already said goodbye so many times and in many ways by then, so there really was the minimum of regret and when I spoke to mum at last, she sounded almost happy and relieved that we could start to move on again as the waiting has been too much for everyone.

Here's what we're saying in the paper -
Much loved husband of Patricia; father of Janette, Tina, Catherine and Helen and grandfather of Ben, Lara, Alex, Joshua and Jessica, peacefully slipped away from us on 12th December 2009.
We will always remember you with love, respect and pride. We will always treasure the time and attention you lavished on us and the dignity and courage you showed us in your leave-taking.


I am thankful for the meds I take that have enabled me to stay calm and mostly detached in this period and not cause more concern and aggravation to others in having to cope with my lack of control. Most of all though I am so grateful to all my online friends, here and elsewhere, for their unerring support and many kindnesses which have and will continue to play a significant part in my own dealing with all this. I expect to be online a fair bit over the next part and taking part in business as usual as much as I can. This and other forums are the sanctuary for my comfort as well as my sanity and you all are the forum. Thank you all for being here for me :)
"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” George Bernard Shaw
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Postby CrysaniaMajere » Sat Dec 12, 2009 3:39 pm

oh jan, i'm so sorry that in this time when everybody talks about presents you're going through this, a big big hug, hope my affection can reach you.
my boyfriend's mother died 2 years ago of alzheimer after some difficult years of pain. it's always difficult, but if possible in these days it's even more.. again, a big hug it's all i can think of.
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Postby Lord Ponsamby-Smyth » Sat Dec 12, 2009 3:49 pm

Jan.

There is something peacefull about the post you have made, its full of concern and yet humbling to know that your father passed away without any pain or suffering.

My mother also went peacefully in her sleep, and that was a blessing for us in some way, having watched my grandmother suffering the Alzheimers disease before she left us, and been so confussed about her life.

Your sad loss is not something to take upon lightly, but rest assuared the many folk who have been touched by you, will in some way also feel a little of what your going through, so feel free to share your grief in any way that helps you.
Back in da house....
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Postby Morty » Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:16 pm

Jan,
I have read your post several times. Your Dad would be ......You Dad is very proud of you.

You have a remarkable family Jan. The way you all helped each other through the last weeks was I’m sure the reason why your Dad was able to slip away with a contented heart, knowing that his family would be alright and remember him with love.

I know your family on this forum will be here for you Jan and that my message will be just one of several such messages. What they will all have in common is genuine friendship and the utmost respect for you.

I’m sure that tonight the thoughts of this entire forum will be with you and your family.

Take care.
Mortimer.
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Postby Batty » Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:19 pm

Jan, I understand what a relief it is, when someone you love is no longer in torment or pain.
I totally 'get' your viewpoint, and you can now stop feeling that you (and your family) were being 'dragged down' and drained of all of your energy.

Huge Hugs! Image
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Postby CrysaniaMajere » Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:19 pm

Mortimer Postlethwaite wrote:Jan,
I have read your post several times. Your Dad would be ......You Dad is very proud of you.

You have a remarkable family Jan. The way you all helped each other through the last weeks was I’m sure the reason why your Dad was able to slip away with a contented heart, knowing that his family would be alright and remember him with love.

I know your family on this forum will be here for you Jan and that my message will be just one of several such messages. What they will all have in common is genuine friendship and the utmost respect for you.

I’m sure that tonight the thoughts of this entire forum will be with you and your family.

Take care.
Mortimer.


in cases like this i just can't find the right words, but i totally agree with morty's, and i add my thoughts to his. :bighug:
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Postby chris.ph » Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:34 pm

sorry for your loss jan, everybody here knows what you and your family have gone through recently and know what a burden youve been carrying. i cant say anything that you wont here repeatedly over the next couple of days but you have my support and condolences
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Postby swreader » Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:52 pm

Having also read your post several times, and having been through the deaths of all my immediate family, I was struck by several things. First--you obviously had a fine loving father and a family that are doing everything possible to help each other. That can be a comfort, and you know that your extended family (here on the forum) are always here (given time differences) if you need to talk. Second- by the eloquent, brief but lovely obituary which you wrote for the paper.

Tony and I send our love and our condolences to you and your family on the passing of your father. And Big Comforting Hugs to you and all your family.
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Postby Jan Van Quirm » Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:59 pm

Words are gold Crys (((hugs everyone back))), but sincere feelings are beyond price and both are very welcome to me at this time.

As usual I've had a lot to write/say, but I think you do understand that this is often my only emotional outlet due to these 'magic' drugs which can be as much a curse as boon to me. I will be looking in here a lot in the next few days, so let me say at this point to everyone who has already, or will post in here after this, a very heartfelt thank you for your responses, whether or not you feel they are expressed well. I do and will appreciate them all so much.

Because I do still have a strong need to steady myself over the days to come, I will not be posting in here again for a while, but I will see what you post and I will also show them to my family, because it's very important to know that support and balm can found in all places and good lives can reach and touch others, even if they were not known, because I am what my parents made me and my friends are theirs. There is a wealth of comfort in that and it should, naturally and needfully, be shared as much as possible.

Thank you for all of this in here and for the strength I find in your comradeship everywhere else in this wonderful place :)
"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” George Bernard Shaw
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Postby janet » Sat Dec 12, 2009 6:28 pm

My thoughts are with you and your family tonight Jan.
I will light a candle for your Dad and two more for my own dear parents.
cyberhugs and love.
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Postby Dotsie » Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:36 pm

I'm never very good with the words at times like these, but I hope you know I'll be thinking of you and your family. Hugs & hugs & hugs.
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Postby chuckie » Sat Dec 12, 2009 8:33 pm

My condolences to you and your family Jan.
I'm glad that your last memories of your father are so pleasant, i'm sure they will help you cope.
Big hug.
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Postby Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit » Sat Dec 12, 2009 8:46 pm

((HUGS))
Aha! So, Bob's yer uncle... very clever.
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Postby poohcarrot » Sun Dec 13, 2009 2:29 am

My dearetht Igorina

Thintheretht condolentheth on your loth. :(

Hugth!
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Postby wicked woman » Sun Dec 13, 2009 10:39 am

I'm so sorry Jan. It does help, and will continue to help, that he's not l suffering now. Look after yourself. Draw and give comfort to your family.
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