Lord Ponsamby-Smyth is Innocent ....Free the Innocent One!

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Postby Jan Van Quirm » Thu Dec 10, 2009 8:49 pm

This is 'virgin' as in young mary-the-mangle-wench's interpretation poor lamb... no shepherds or wise men are required. :wink:

Or we could do the trad version and still not need the shepherds and WM - it's a nativity game for heathens who like Monty Python, but it could be adapted :twisted:
"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” George Bernard Shaw
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Postby Lord Ponsamby-Smyth » Thu Dec 10, 2009 9:39 pm

Jesus Christ this is a serious matter and no mistake, but I was visited in a dream by an angel, well Jeremy Kyle actually, who said if they do a DNA test on me , they will find Im not the father, as the wench was putting it about at the time, and to prove matters, I know nothing about carpentry.

Some guy will want to find the child when it is born, doreH or someone like that, and they will want to put the child into the care of Social services, so they will claim, as Mary the mangle wench is not a fit mother, but a few books will be written about this, and whew are they going io have fun finding a publisher, as its a weird tale and no mistake....something about Brian I think its to be called.

Its nearly as mad as this thread.
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Postby poohcarrot » Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:38 am

How come if Lord P is not rotting in a jail cell, his avatar still says he is? :?
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Postby Jan Van Quirm » Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:59 am

All aristocrats are hopeless with doing anything for themselves and technophobic and/or lazy gets :roll: :twisted:

Do you like my new angry lynch mob leader avatar? :lol:
"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” George Bernard Shaw
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Postby mary the mangle-wench » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:06 am

Lord Nonceyflea, your hardchip

When the dashing and debonaire Doctor surmised I was pregnant, he equally surmised that you would deny all knowledge of our little fling (if you can call 2 and a half minutes of your grunting a fling).

He therefore bribed Bernie the Blowtorch with a packet of the finest snout to get something of yours that the devilishly dishy Doctor could use to run his own DNA tests.

The distinctively delicious Doctor then showed me the video he took of the tests. God's DNA was all gold and shiney and moving in mysterious ways, and there was yours, ironically shaped like a Vietnamese lady-boy.

And here's the kicker. The doubtfully dubious Doctor noted two more things from the tests that none of us had been expecting. The tests conclusively proved that the baby is half yours/half God's, and that I am also your biological daughter - Daddy! :P

Oh! One last thing. The baby's a girl, not a boy. How do feel about the name Jessie Chris Nonceyflea?
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Postby poohcarrot » Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:40 am

Well, you could knock me sideways with a cucumber! :shock:

Lord P's really in it up to his neck this time. :lol:

So Lord P's the half-father of his own daughter's baby. Does God know?
If God is half the father of the baby and Lord P is the father of the mother, then God must be Lord P's son-in-law AND brother-in-law.

And if Jesus is the son of God, that means he is the grandson-in-law of Lord P.

Wow! :shock:
"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy."
"You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.
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Postby Lord Ponsamby-Smyth » Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:15 pm

poohcarrot wrote:How come if Lord P is not rotting in a jail cell, his avatar still says he is? :?


Keep up with the script Pooh, I am in Hiding!...and could be at the bottom of your street at this very moment.
Last edited by Lord Ponsamby-Smyth on Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Lord Ponsamby-Smyth » Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:27 pm

There is work afoot on here, to blacken the name Ponsamby-Smyth, for it is well known fact, that I had a vastectomy many years ago, so the Ponsomby-Smyth, dynesty would end with me, this operation was carried out by one of the top Doctors at Harley Street, Dr Nobbov, and had of course some further tests were done by an independant company to assure me that all sperm from me is indeed free from fertilisation of any egg.

I can assure dear reader of this forum, that this is the truth, and should you wish ( if your female) I will perform a sexual act with you without you being in any way pregnant, all in the matter of clearing my good name of course...so if six ladies would like to become involved in this experiment, then please give your name to this request.

Mary the mangle wench, well I could say a few things about the charleton herself, but I fefuse to let this become a slanging match for all to see, as the dear girl is troubled by a very strict yet simple upbringing, I know of her parents, and have to say I felt it was my duty to take the wench into service at Ponsamby-Smyth house to free her from the chains they kept her in, but she is a wench more to be pitied than scorned I can say.
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Postby poohcarrot » Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:48 pm

Hang on a sec there Lord P. :? I see a massive gaping hole in your argument.

If what the bless-ed Mary says is true, then you are the father of God and the grandfather of Jesus. Now both God and Jesus could perform miracles.
Therefore it would seem obvious that their ability to perform miracles was hereditary. So if God passed it to Jesus, then it is quite obvious that God's father (ie; you) passed it on to your son (ie; God).

You must therefore have the power to perform miracles yourself.

And judging how you were able to escape from prison in the first place (ie; Mr Phelps from Mission Impossible suddenly becoming a stonebonker) leads me to believe that you do have some divine powers.

The fact that you've had the snip is therefore of no consequence. If Jesus could raise the dead, then I'm sure your goodself could quite easily make your loins be fruitful again.
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Postby Lord Ponsamby-Smyth » Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:30 pm

A very good post my dear chap, and one which has me running in circles trying to find the right words to get me out of this predicermant, from which I seem to be again bang to rights, as yes there is something of the special one in me, (no im not sleeping with Jose Morinhio) who can perform feats of many tasks with out really trying too hard.

BUT

You forget that I stated that the family name Ponsamby-Smyth dies with me, so having said that, it would be really crass of me to state that, and begat child, especially one with a common mangle wench.

ALSO.

You claim that Mary the mangle wench is a daughter of mine, and I had advised Mary that a cross of the fingers does not mean a loss of virginity, (who do you think I am a high profile golfer who likes to play a round) well would you really expect me to fall for that claim, as if Mary is 16 when this was supossed to happen, it would mean I had fathered her when I was a mere lad myself, as im only 24 years of age this year.
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Postby Morty » Fri Dec 11, 2009 5:01 pm

Good afternoon,

As the season of goodwill to all men comes around once more it saddens my heart to see such irreverence on this previously well moderated forum. The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit should not be spoken of in such a derogatory manner.

This is a family forum and as such those who know better should protect the innocent youngsters who frequent the boards.
The story of the Nativity is one that is well documented and has been reinacted many times for the pleasure of many Christians. To see the story being adapted to make mock is in my view a sin for all to see.

I therefore request that a modicum of self moderation is applied and not for the first time that this thread changes direction.

I would like to thank Mortimer for allowing me to use his log in to be able to deliver my sermon to you today.

Bless you my children.

The Arch Bish of Canterbury.
Nb. Not the Arch Bish related to Bernie the Image Montgomery....PMSL.
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Postby Lord Ponsamby-Smyth » Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:19 pm

Arch Bish.

I and I think many others on this forum, have no wish to diss the book that is found in many hotel bedrooms, and though i have not got round to reading it yet, am a little aware of what it says, as I have seen the Life of Brian, and the musical Jesus Christ Superstar.

There is some could be bits, that realate to what the mormons come round and preach to me, but the muslims come round and just confuse me as to what I am suppossed to believe, so what is the truth in the meaning.

As for sin, I also think we have a contrasting view here, you seem to think that sin is portraying the book you hold dear to some subtle changes, whereas I myself see sin in a comepletely differant but more wholesome light...and includes a few mangle wenches.
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Postby jenkins » Sat Dec 12, 2009 1:29 am

It is I, Mr Phelps from Mission Impossible, back again to sort out this problem once and for all. :roll:

In attempt to bribe Lord Poncey-Smurf, I concocted the following cunning plan. 8)

I first made a latex rubber mask of Dr Theobald, and then posing as the good Doctor, scouted out the fattest and most stupid of the mangle wenches (ie; Mary) :shock:

It was easy to make her believe she was pregnant and not just fat. I then performed a fake "DNA test". To fully convince her, I showed her an episode of Teletubbies and passed it off as the video of God's/Lord P's DNA, which she gullibly believed. :shock:

Everything was on target for a successful mission, but suddenly something unexpected happened.

I fell in love with Mary, and she fell in love with me. :shock: :shock:

I can no longer subject my darling to carry on with this charade. So we are leaving forever to live together in a small bungalow in Skegness and start a clothes-peg manufacturing company.. :D

So farewell and a Merry Xmas to you all.

Ho ho ho!
Wibble!
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Postby poohcarrot » Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:11 am

Well, talk about jammy, or what? :shock:

Looks like Lord P has escaped once again. :lol:

Oh well, we'll just have to put up with the "stones" nonsense :roll: until the next accusation of impropriety crops up - which I'm pretty sure will because Lord P seems to attract controversy like a magnet. :lol:
"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy."
"You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.
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Postby Jan Van Quirm » Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:17 pm

PMSL :lol:

Oooo! I wonder if Mrs Jenkins' charms will be as attractive to Lord PS now with hubby out of the picture? :wink:
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